• ELIXHER
• On July 15, 2013

“Ask Dr. Bukky” is ELIXHER’s advice column that offers guidance to queer women of color on relationships and mental health wellness. Got a question you want Dr. Bukky to tackle in the column? Email her at drbukkyk@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. Bukky,
My girlfriend and I have very opposite spending habits. I’m Frugal Franny and she loves splurging on things she doesn’t need. We haven’t joined our lives yet, so this isn’t an immediate issue, but I’m worried that it could be down the line. How can I nip this in the bud now?
- Frugal Franny

Dear Frugal Franny,

It is not surprising that you and your partner find yourself on opposite ends of the spectrum as it relates to spending and managing money. This is a common experience of many couples with whom I work. In fact, some even say that they initially found those aspects appealing in the other (e.g., Splurging Sarah likes the sense of stability, reliability and security Frugal Franny provides and Franny likes the carefree spontaneity and generosity Sarah offers).

You are one step ahead the curve by not only noticing the potential for disagreement created by these differences, but for wanting to proactively address the issue before you officially begin to combine and share money. Typically, when couples are not attending to these differences, they find themselves fighting repeatedly about them or behaving in even more extreme ways than usual, e.g., Franny becomes even more frugal and Sarah splurges even more. Unfortunately, when we attempt to cope with what we experience as extreme or compensate for what we see as our partner’s shortcomings by becoming even more extreme ourselves, we create more problems in our relationship.

It will be helpful (and less painful) for you both in the long run to start discussions about these differences now. It is crucial to do this when you both feel emotionally open and present with each other, realizing that this is an ongoing discussion that you will continually need to revisit. Here are some steps you might consider:

1) Bring your observation to your partner’s attention in a manner that is not blaming or critical. Your goal here is to discover if she, too, has noticed the differences in how you manage money.

2) Show genuine, nonjudgmental curiosity about her spending style-what motivates her splurging? Your goal here is to understand how come her “splurging” happens and why it is important to her.

3) Share your experience. Tell her what motivates your frugality. Help her understand why it is important to you to manage money in such a way.

4) Finally, in a non-blaming way, invite her to tell you the impact your style has on her and share the impact her style has on you. What is the cost of these differences for both of you? What impact are they having on each of you emotionally? Do these differences worry or scare her too? How come? Be sure to listen to her full emotional experience without judgment and share all of yours as well.

5) Finally, ask her to help you with your worries and concerns. If you have suggestions of solutions that could help you (both) feel less anxious about your differences, share them with her. For example, you might suggest that you both agree to work with a financial advisor, once you decide to combine funds. Be sure to ask her for suggestions she might have. And together, choose the solution(s) that work(s) best for the both of you.

If you find that you have trouble implementing the solutions you identified, or difficulty getting through the discussion using the steps above, do not fret. This is an incredibly difficult conversation to have, and a lack of progress is not necessarily a sign of incompatibility or inconsideration. It simply means that the observed money habits are tied to deeper underlying emotions and beliefs that have not been articulated and therefore need to be unearthed. So return to the conversation in an emotionally present way, on your own or with professional support.

Wishing you love and connectedness,
Dr. Bukky

Dr. Bukky Kolawole is a NY-based licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping lesbian and gay couples cultivate the healthy and fulfilling relationships they deserve. She has offices in SoHo (Manhattan) and Park Slope (Brooklyn) and offers late evening hours to accommodate the needs of professionals. For more info about Dr. Bukky, visit her website at www.drbukkyk.com.

This column does not constitute a consultation or the establishment of a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Bukky Kolawole and should therefore not be construed as such. The rights and privileges associated with such a relationship can only be conferred through a scheduled, in person session.