By Audrey Cash
“Are you still doing the gay thing?” I was asked one Saturday night while out listening to one of my favorite bands perform.
The acquaintance that approached me is, in fact, in a same-sex relationship. Her boldness to ask about my sexuality didn’t surprise me since we have had discussions about it in the past. But her follow-up, “I mean, not everyone is still with it,” made me feel like I was being looked down upon by my own “family.”
As a queer-identified woman who has had relationships with men and women, I often feel like my authenticity within the community is actively under review. Her question furthered my thoughts on how I have not felt like an equal among my gay and lesbian peers. It made me wonder if gays and lesbians put queer folk (and possibly bisexuals) into that category of people who follow a trend — like “gay is the new black.”
While bisexuals at least represent the “B” in our beloved acronym, I have often felt out of place when speakers proudly speak of their LGBT comrades. I’ve been to rallies where gay and lesbian war cries were spat as they eagerly preached about their equality, but the entire time I wanted to lightly tap the speaker on the shoulder and say, “Hey, don’t forget us queer folk.”
I do understand a lot of the community’s angst with the term “queer” and their beliefs on the word being derogatory, but that doesn’t negate the thousands of people who identify as such (feel free to read my previous article on why I am not the “B” here).
Recently, Mary McMahon of wiseGEEK wrote the article “Is ‘Queer’ a Derogatory Word?” Not assuming the author’s sexual orientation, it does somewhat read like an outsider-looking-in perspective. But it was the comments that piqued my interest. One commenter wrote, “Gay people who use it [queer] are traitors to the community.”
Wow. What a way to completely alienate an entire group of individuals who have struggled with their identity just as much as you might have. After I closed my laptop pissed, I really just thought (in my best Kanye West impression), “Mary, you ain’t got the answers” and wanted to see if other queer folk struggle with this.
I ran across an interview with Romi Klinger, an openly bisexual woman from the show The Real L Word, where she discussed the backlash she got from the gay community for marrying a man on the TV show. She even went to a pride parade and someone asked why she was there. Why do gay people want their sexuality to be accepted, but can’t accept ours? Why does my (or Romi’s) sexuality come with an exception: We will accept you, but only when you are in a same-sex relationship. Sidenote: Even if I marry a man, we will still attend pride.
While I do feel I can navigate the gay and straight “worlds,” I am still marginalized. If I was a butch lesbian or even a feminine one in a long-term same-sex relationship, my acquaintance would not have asked me such an appalling question that night.
But I think it also brings up a bigger issue: Are labels separating the LGBTQ community? Does the fact that I have chosen to identify as something not often recognized by (some of) the community mean that I do not belong? Absolutely not. So why is my gayness (or lack there of) something that someone else feels the need to question?
I have embraced my sexuality like you and I bring a positive contribution to our community. I understand how the L, the G, the B and the T all contribute to the conversation of inclusivity. But have you embraced how the Q does the same? Because I would like to think that I do. And not just while I’m out holding hands with a woman and, you know, doing “the gay thing.”
Deaundra Audrey Cash is a queer-thinking writer who has penned pieces for AccessHollywood.com, OMG! Yahoo, AOL and E! Online. With a bachelor’s degree from Spelman College and an M.A. in Journalism from Syracuse University, she likes to push the boundaries on conversations about sexuality, identity, and the best taco food trucks in Los Angeles. She is an obsessive “Game of Thrones” fan who loves to watch movies in her free time. For all “Love and Hip Hop” commentary and cupcake reviews, follow her on Twitter @fallforaudrey.
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