• ELIXHER
• On June 5, 2013

Gender roles are a form of conformity. When we abide by or emulate them, we allow others to define the way we choose to express our being inside and out.

From the moment we are conceived, roles and expectations are drilled into our brains. Anything associated with being male automatically assumes a dominant position. Girls, on the other hand, are taught to assume a more submissive identity. These assignments are used to assert who has the ultimate power arrangement. Many queer relationships, by virtue of their same-sex makeup, undergo a struggle for who should assume this power.

There is a notion that in every sexual encounter there has to be one aggressive (masculine) and one passive (feminine) partner. It is so insistent that it not only ruins many heterosexual relationships, but also influences the behavior of certain queer folks who feel that we should model ourselves after these stereotypes. Additionally, it erases the existence of femme-femme and butch-butch relationships.

The truth is that human requirements and capabilities have a tendency to go beyond the restricted limits of our “traditional gender roles.” Gender roles and expectations vary with each relationship. It depends on how your partner views you and how you view yourself. Each relationship has its different prospects. In general, expectations of women in society have molded the way we think and believe in our relationships. We tend to model what we grew up seeing. Therefore, in our relationships we try to capture that by assigning roles to our partner(s).

However, in a relationship, everyone should possess their own standards. Each party should be aware and comfortable with these “assigned roles” no matter what anyone else thinks it should be. When people are so shallow to feel that if you are “masculine of center” you should hold back feelings, pay for everything and treat them like a queen, they are conforming to the societal standards that westernized America has set for us.

Sometimes people assign themselves gender roles or “gender self-image.” Everyone has a perception of how they see themselves and how they live as a certain gender. These self-assigned gender aspects can be perceived by a partner and then our experiences are automatically assigned and assumed to that role.

We can’t change how others look at us or how they think we should live. It takes for everyone to have a “reality check” within their relationships, not just intimate but their interaction with others on a day-to-day basis. When we blindly conform to gender roles, we are validating the curious belief that even in romantic relationships between members of the same-sex, there always has to be one to play the “man,” while the other must assume the role of the “woman.”

But people love with their souls and spirits not with body parts. To really understand what we look for in a spirit, we need to evaluate ourselves. What attracts us? What are we comfortable with? How would we like to exude our wants and needs in a healthy way?

Many times we try to define who we are and who we want to be in a relationship dependent upon what we see in others. We have to take ownership of our love and allow it to be cultivated on our own terms.

- Muriana Mariie Fleming

“Muriana Mariie” Fleming is a 20-year-old writer, poet, singer/songwriter, sound engineer, and artist manager. She has a passion for the arts from the culture of music to the business aspect of arts. She has been writing since the age of nine and has been recognized by many for her writings and voice work. She recently relocated to Washington, DC for more opportunities in whatever she chooses to do.