• ELIXHER
• On February 14, 2014

By L’lerrét Jazelle Ailith

As a trans* woman who doesn’t aesthetically fit all of cisnormative criteria of gender, Valentine’s Day is unfortunately consistently a reminder of that fact. Now, don’t get me wrong – I love the skin that I’m in and really couldn’t care less about fitting societal norms. However, every February, love is in the air and I realize how tired I am. I realize that I’ve been so strong all year long acting like I don’t need anyone. But then on this national holiday, I sit alone and it hits me: “Damn, you’re still single.”

L’lerrét Jazelle Ailith

This week, I got a teddy bear in the mail – from my momma. I felt so ecstatic that after years of fighting for that unapologetic love, she thought about me and loved me regardless of my gender identity. But I find myself fighting for levels of love that fall outside of a romantic relationship and seeing them as “accomplishments” when they’re simply substituting for what I really long for – a partner.

On one hand, I am privileged to have never been able to enjoy this holiday as a queer woman because I see the hold that it has on queer bodies. It’s a way for the ciscentered, heteronormative world to make us, as queer folk, feel super uncomfortable and ostracized. This holiday is that “aha” from the normative world to all of us queer singles. After all, it’s our “fault” that we can’t find partners.

Yet I can appreciate this day and what it means. And when I do find someone that loves me, we will partake in the boxes of bad mystery chocolates and cheesy heart-shaped candy with silly slogans. Until then, I refuse to internalize my loneliness any longer. I’m redefining (ode to my sis Janet Mock) my status as a queer single woman operating in a space that expects me to be a normative coupled woman. I have so many folks around me that love me and appreciate me for who I am. I’m not lonely. I am loved.

For years, I was embarrassed of being single on Valentine’s Day and felt that it was my own fault that a man doesn’t want me — because I’m “too different.” But a man would be lucky to have me and from now on, I will enjoy me loving myself and the love I get from and give to my chosen family.

My time will come. That moment when I can choose to partake in Valentine’s Day with someone who sees and embraces all of me will get here. We might choose not to celebrate it all. Either way, I am worthy of love. Being single and queer this time of year won’t make me forget that again.

L’lerrét Jazelle Ailith is a 20-year-old queer woman of trans* experience. She attends Xavier University of Louisiana and is majoring in Biology with a minor in Women’s Studies. Hailing from Baltimore, Maryland, L’lerrét has grown to appreciate the importance of fostering community and now dedicates herself to movements that eliminate barriers for marginalized people.