Check out some of ELIXHER’s highlights from 2011! Our Family is a series that celebrates two-mommy families and delves into some of the challenges they face. The goal of the series is to depict same-sex parent families in a way that’s authentic and dispels myths. Enjoy our recap!

Our Family: Desiree And Vanessa

Desiree, a 33-year-old minister, gives us a glimpse of her family—her partner Vanessa, 34, and their daughters Shana and Grace, ages 11 and 6.*

ELIXHER: How do you define “family”?
DESIREE: A unit of people that love each other through thick and thin. A safe place.

ELIXHER: What was it like falling for your best friend?
DESIREE: Growing up, I never had the desire to be with a woman, so I never saw it coming. Vanessa, on the other hand, had already identified as bisexual. Our relationship shifted when we became emotionally connected. Then I started to desire being intimate with her. It freaked me out! [Laughs.] It took time, self-evaluation and understanding of self to help overcome that. It took becoming deaf to everything around me. Now I’m very happy and blessed that it happened. We had our great friendship as a foundation.

ELIXHER: You mentioned earlier that your partner is in the military. What are the challenges you face with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” still in place? ["Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has since been repealed. But with the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) still in place, military families with lesbian, bisexual or gay couples still do not receive equal protections.]
DESIREE: It’s been extremely challenging. I feel like we’re being robbed. We don’t get the same benefits. There are educational grants, medical and employment opportunities we don’t receive. We’re unable to go to family events. I’m not as giving of Vanessa. I believe in fighting for my country but if something happens to her, I wouldn’t even be recognized as her partner. She’s good enough to fight and die for everyone else’s rights but she’s not good enough to receive equal rights on our own soil.

Our Family: Lib And “A”

Today we talk with Lib, 32, her wife “A”, 26, and their adorable 2-year-old daughter, “Little A”.*

ELIXHER: What was the choosing a donor process like?
LIB: The donor process was tedious. We had to decide between a known donor or anonymous. Legally we don’t have much protection using a known donor because they have rights that an anonymous doesn’t. Also the legal fees associated with trying to set up a contract that may or may not be used in a court of law was more expensive at the time than a year of buying frozen sperm. Then there was the emotional task on a relationship knowing that there’s another person that could technically claim parent status is more than we wanted to deal with. After vetting out and building relationships with a few known donors we ultimately went cryobank route. The complications with that was finding an African American donor that was in great supply and met our other personal criteria. We ended up using a multi-ethnic donor.

ELIXHER: How has the IVF process challenged and strengthened your relationship with one another?
LIB: It’s challenging, especially because we both started trying to conceive together in 2008. “A” got pregnant on the second try and I’m finishing my 3rd year of trying. So our journeys to pregnancy have been completely different. She’s extremely supportive but infertility isn’t something that someone on the outside “gets.” She’s always there to comfort me through my multiple negative pregnancy tests, very early miscarriages, procedures and the like. But ultimately it’s on me to go to my frequent morning monitoring appointments. I’ve seen infertility drive a wedge between couples but it hasn’t for us. I think that we both accept that we’re in it together, though we have different experiences with it. “A” also usually defers to me when it comes to treatment options because she feels like it’s my body that has to go through so much, like injections, appointments, ultrasounds, tons more meds and she doesn’t want to tell me to do something that may seem like an easy choice to her.

Our Family: Telle And Kelly

This week we chat with Telle, 31, and Kelly, 45, about their blended family, newborn daughter, Zoey, and their decision to co-parent with Zoey’s biological mother, Ane, 30.

ELIXHER: Can you talk a little more about co-parenting with Zoey’s biological mother, Ane?
KELLY: Ours is a complicated relationship that has had its ups and downs over the years. Ane and I get along well for the most part; though both of us are extra careful about what topics we discuss when we are all together. Ane and Telle’s past is something we all have in our minds no matter how far back we push it. Because of our situation, we are all a little closer than we might like to be, but it is working out great for Zoey. She has all three of her moms in her life at the same time, and that can only be good for her. The three of us each have our own mothering styles, and so far they seem to be merging well. It works well when one of us has had a long day and needs a break, another will step in or someone will say, “Your turn.” Both Telle’s and my family have been very supportive, and are of course full of questions about Zoey and our arrangement.

Sometimes the fact that Telle, Ane and Zoey are Black and I’m White makes me feel like the elephant in the room. Other times, I’m sure that my relationship with Telle makes Ane feel a little out of place. And then there are times that Ane and I will get to talking about something Telle says or does and there’s a lot of common ground found in that. On those occasions, we both enjoy watching Telle squirm a bit.

Zoey, on the other hand, always has a place with each of us alone or all of us together. Zoey is the glue that holds it all together. None of us knows what the future holds. I’m just living day to day and enjoying watching Zoey reach milestone after milestone.
TELLE: The experience of co-parenting with Ane, a woman who is not my girlfriend, has been eye-opening, challenging, and a constant learning process from start to finish. It has had its ups and downs, but my outlook remains just as positive as it was the day I agreed to co-parent. I am forever the optimist, and one that would never turn my back on a child. The co-parenting aspect of my daily life, coupled with my growing bond with my daughter, has been quite the reward all on its own.

The decision to live under one roof, at least during my daughter’s early-formative years, was something we all arrived at before she was born. Before bringing it to my girlfriend’s attention, I had to do some soul searching because I knew it would be a drastic change for us, and her feelings had to be considered before anything was to go forward. It was a tough decision for everyone, but with some major and minor adjusting, we have managed to make it work despite hiccups along the way. Some of the other challenges of co-parenting have to do with making sure that everyone is on the same page, adhering to a set schedule, and honoring the goals that have been laid out. The greatest challenge for me has been adjusting to my daughter’s needs while also ensuring that my girlfriend’s needs are being met, that she is content, and any fears she might have are worked through and eventually put to rest. She has been absolutely wonderful every step of the way.

Zoey’s biological father expressed some interest in her after she was born, but after realizing that his interest only went so far, my own fears were quelled. Making sure our family and friends respect our situation regardless of their personal feelings is of the utmost importance, because a beautiful baby girl who needs love, support, and stability has arrived, and as long as I have breath in my body I intend to make sure that she never wants for anything.

Our Family: Tiffany And Carla

Today we catch up with Tiffany, a 31-year-old small business owner, her partner Carla, a 30-year-old social services worker, and their four children: Darren, Aisha, Erica and Jermaine.*

ELIXHER: What advice do you have for other same-sex couples thinking about starting a family?
TIFFANY: Children are a lot of work! They require constant care and attention. On the other hand, kids aren’t as fragile as people think. Parents don’t have a manual; we make mistakes too. So, if you’re waiting for the “right” time to start a family…there is no “right” time. Love makes a family and that’s what matters.

Our Family – Jae And Em

Today we catch up with Jae and Em, a beautiful couple in the process of planning their wedding.

ELIXHER: What has been the biggest challenge raising children as a same-sex couple?
EM: I think the biggest challenge is worrying that the ‘outside’ world will treat our children negatively because of our relationship. I can honestly say we have not encountered this yet, but it is something that concerns me. I want our children to be proud of their family and teach the outside world what a loving family looks like and not the other way around.

Another challenge for me is parenting a child that was conceived in a heterosexual relationship and having to deal with those strong influences. Being a stepparent already has its nuisances but couple that with being a same-sex stepparent and you have the makings for a really good book.

Our Family: Davone And Tiffany

Today we talk to Davone, 37, and Tiffany, 30, about what family means to them, co-parenting and more.

ELIXHER: What has been key to successfully co-parenting with Tatyana’s biological father?
DAVONE: The key to successful co-parenting is communication. Nothing is a secret. When one of us has information about Tatyana, we follow the chain of communication until everyone knows about it. We all stay on the same page.

*Names were changed.