“Ask Dr. Bukky” is ELIXHER’s bi-weekly column that offers advice to queer women of color on relationships and mental health wellness. Got a question you want Dr. Bukky to tackle in the column? Email her at drbukkyk@gmail.com.
Dear Dr. Bukky,
How do I know if she is the right one for me?
Sincerely,
Searching For Ms. Right
Dear Searching For Ms. Right,
I feel incredibly curious about what prompts your question. Are you currently in a relationship and trying to clarify whether she is “the one”? Are you single, looking for Ms. Right and want to know what to look for? Regardless, your question is a great and timely one considering my last post that detailed necessary factors for a successful relationship.
Although I do not know the characteristics that are personally relevant for you (e.g., level of education, body type, income, religious beliefs, age, political affiliation), the list below highlights certain fundamental characteristics that pave the way for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
She is the right one for you if she is:
1) Able to regulate her emotions without endangering you or herself
2) Aware of her emotional needs/longings and able to express them effectively
3) Able to show you her authentic self including her vulnerabilities
4) Curious about you and your experiences
5) Responsive to you and your emotional needs
Because we are all, to some extent, a work in progress, you might find it difficult to find someone who has all those characteristics. And if you did, the next question is whether you would be her Ms. Right by having all of those characteristics yourself. If you are like the rest of us, you probably do not have it all figured out, and it is rare to find someone who does. So is your search hopeless? Definitely not—we all get a pass if, and only if, we are willing to do the work necessary to get there. And I can tell you that there are many incredible women out there who are willing to do that work.
So my encouragement to you is to focus on two things as you search for the “right one”: 1) Do the work necessary to help yourself develop all those characteristics so you yourself can be Ms. Right, and 2) Keep your eye out for someone who is actively working on developing or strengthening those abilities. If you are focused on these two things, my bet is that you’ll begin to attract like-minded women to your sphere and have options to select a Ms. Right who offers you the sense of fulfillment and security that comes from a healthy intimate relationship.
Dr. Bukky Kolawole is a NY-based licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping lesbian and gay couples cultivate the healthy and fulfilling relationships they deserve. She has offices in SoHo (Manhattan) and Park Slope (Brooklyn) and offers late evening hours to accommodate the needs of professionals. For more info about Dr. Bukky, visit her website at www.drbukkyk.com.
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