10 Things You Didn’t Know About LGBT Family Planning

In an age where many of us are daring to live our dreams by unapologetically loving who we please—and even demanding equal protections in our unions—it shouldn’t come as any surprise that some of our aspirations include starting a family. Beyond adoption or conception via heterosexual intercourse, conceiving a child as a queer woman involves choices that challenge one’s beliefs, finances, and stamina.

Here are ten choices you’ll have to make:

1. You have the choice between a known donor and an anonymous one. Choosing 50 percent of your child’s DNA is one of the biggest decisions you’ll have to make once you’ve decided to try pregnancy. Since we aren’t at the point in medical technology when male involvement isn’t necessary in conception, you’ll have to figure out if you want an anonymous or known sperm donor.

In order to go the anonymous route, you’ll have to purchase your sperm through a cryobank. This can easily cost more than $500 a month, but you’ll be assured that all samples are medically safe. Additionally, there is legal protection against the donor being able to claim paternity rights down the road.

If you decide to use a known donor, you can use one designated as such from the cryobank or choose someone you know personally. If you forego the cryobank, you’ll save several thousands of dollars, but may opt to invest in legal counsel, since paternity cannot be abdicated by a simple contract.

2. You have the choice of frozen sperm or fresh sperm. If you use sperm from a cryobank, it is stored in liquid nitrogen and brought to room temperature just before insemination. This type of sperm has a life span of 12 – 24 hours inside a woman’s body compared to the 72 hours of fresh sperm.

3. You have the choice of trying at home or going to a doctor. In many states, you can conceive at home with either sperm from both a cryobank or from a known donor. Yes, there are banks that will ship specimen to your home! Likewise, you can also go to a fertility doctor (reproductive endocrinologist) for assistance with conception to use known and anonymous donors. The laws for home and doctor-assisted conception vary by state, as do insurance coverage and mandates. Do your homework to find out the rules as they apply to you.

4. If you go to the doctor, you have the choice between a medicated cycle and a natural one. Medicated cycles may employ an array of drug types – from those that assist with egg development to those that sustain a potential pregnancy. A natural cycle means that the doctor monitors your hormone levels and egg development but does not interfere with its natural process.

5. If you go to the doctor, you have the choice between an IUI and IVF. Intrauterine insemination means using a catheter to insert specially washed sperm directly into your uterus. This eliminates the need for the sperm to swim from your vagina through your cervix on their own. In vitro fertilization literally means “in the glass.” With this type of procedures, your eggs are removed, fertilized in a Petri dish, and then returned to your uterus after they have are 3 or 5 day old embryos. The biggest differences between these two procedures are cost and level of medical intervention.

6. If you try at home, you can use a variety of ovulation predictors. Timing is everything when trying to conceive. To predict the moment that egg is released from your ovary, you can use digital monitors, basal thermometers, predictor kits, as well as an assortment of biological indicators.

7. You have the choice of where to live, sort of. Believe it or not, some states mandate that companies of a certain size provide insurance coverage for artificial reproductive technology. Those are fancy words for saying that some states make your employer cover you using a doctor to help you get pregnant. States like New York mandate the coverage of IUI, and states like New Jersey require insurance to cover IVF. With IVF coverage alone, you can save almost $20,000!

8. You have your choice of resources. Don’t depend on your doctor to tell you all the ins and outs of trying to conceive. There are books and blogs, support groups and websites. Choose an information source and support type that resonates with you.

9. You have the choice between following the doctor’s orders and researching everything yourself. This follows #8, but asks you to consider whether you see a doctor as a medical authority or a service provider. This is a mindset difference that you may not be conscious of having, but will need to be revisited as you go through the emotional ride that is trying to conceive.

10. You have the choice between accepting or fighting that this will be a roller coaster. This is the last and most important choice you’ll have to make. Trying to conceive will bring out strength (and sometimes pain) that you have never encountered. Regardless of the outcome, you will be better for it.

- Aleia Mims

Aleia Mims is a wife, mother, daughter, and sister for whom writing is a form of liberation. She shares her journey so that others may name their own experiences and realize their higher truths. Her commitment to self-empowerment was a key feature of her eleven years as a classroom teacher, and remain as such with her current work at an education non-profit in New York City. Follow more of her journey at liberationtheory.wordpress.com and on Twitter @liber8ntheory.